Why I Won’t Protect My Daughter

     If you’re like me, you’re the father of an adorable little girl. At least, that’s what everyone tells me when we are out and about. (Of course, I heartily agree.) Without exception, one of the first things people say about my daughter is how pretty she is and how pretty she’s going to be. All too often, that observation is followed with a comment that is sexist, implies a dangerous social paradigm, and is the subject of today’s rant.

     “You’re such a pretty girl. Your daddy’s going to have to protect you from all the boys.”

Stop saying that!

1. It’s sexist, obviously. It assumes gender norms and stereotypical social priorities. I understand she’s only 7 months old and getting to know her personality is a bit difficult, but there is more to my daughter than her looks. Not to mention, everyone says it. It’s boring. Come up with something unique.

2. Seriously though, that sentiment implies that boys can’t help themselves and will always make the, let’s say “impulsive” decision. It assumes that a father will have to protect his daughter because “boys will be boys” after all. This removes responsibility and replaces it with a blanket permission for males to behave in dishonorable ways. Look no further than Kavanaugh defenders for examples of “youthful masculinity” being used to permit all manner of unseemly behavior.

3. Even more seriously, the sentiment implies that girls can’t defend themselves. It assumes that girls will be victims. There is no choice in the matter. If you’re female, you will always be the damsel in distress. It takes away their agency, reinforcing the idea that a woman is incomplete on her own. The recent midterms show us many things, not the least of which is the abundance of strong women around the country, not only capable of defending themselves, but of defending others as well. If you can’t think of a woman who is capable of standing strong and maintaining order in the midst of chaos, you’re lying to yourself.

We tend to fulfill society’s assumptions of us. It’s the principle thought behind self-fulfilling prophesies. When we treat children like leaders, they become leaders. The more we treat children like criminals, criminality tends to follow. If we assume all boys are wild men and all girls are damsels in distress, that’s what we’ll get.

My job as a father is not to protect my daughter, not ultimately. My job is to raise her to be a powerful, positive, and progressive force in this world. That includes being able to protect herself. I don’t plan on protecting my daughter from anything. I plan on equipping her to handle any situation that presents itself. If I do my job right, she will be able to walk into any scenario confidently, intelligently, and with poise.

In the end, this article isn’t really about my daughter. It’s about the rest of us and the world we create with the words we use. As I’ve written about before, the words we use matter because they are our most frequent check on the world we are creating. How we describe paradigms and the implications of those descriptions matter because they have direct influence on the rules of the society we live in.

You can tell me my daughter is beautiful. (Because she is.) You can tell her she’s beautiful. (Because at 7 months, she already knows it.) Don’t assume her beauty will make her a victim. We need to raise our children to be strong, intelligent individuals, not stereotypes. We can start by not using these stereotypes in our language.