Remembering My Friend Tobias
If you’re like me, you recently lost a friend. Before I get into it, know that I’m not going to discuss how, why, where -basically the standard question words. In fact, for our purposes I’ll be referring to my friend simply as “Tobias”. Tobias’s death was a shock for a lot of reasons but we’re not going to talk about that either. Instead, I’d like to offer some thoughts I’ve had in the aftermath and maybe if one of you is like me, some of this will make sense.
In reflecting, it occurred to me that Tobias was probably the first, real friend that I chose on my own. Tobias and I didn’t go to school together, we weren’t on the same soccer team, we didn’t even live near each other. It wasn’t a friendship that grew out of forced proximity. Our parents were friends, that’s how we met, but even when we were old enough (or thought we were old enough,) to not need babysitting, we chose to hang out together. I think it gave both of us someone to talk to away from our normal lives.
I would often talk about Tobias to my school friends and I’m pretty sure they thought I was making it up. That was kind of great. I had this friend, this entirely separate world away from everyone that I saw on a daily basis. It’s important to have that kind of a friend; a person who has no context for you outside of the friendship. We weren’t worried about what the cool thing to talk about was or what others in the class might think; it was purely about two people getting to know and appreciate who the other person was.
Tobias and I were the same age, a little over two weeks apart, so even though we lived in different worlds, we were experiencing and discovering a lot of the same things at the same time. We met at the end of elementary school, right when we were trying to figure out who we were. Checking in with my friend and comparing notes on navigating the treacherous paths of adolescence was an invaluable experience.
Our friendship was a constant in a time when we could all use a little guidance. Tobias helped me see that there were people out there who could like me as I was, not as I was expected to be. I hope I helped Tobias in that search as well.
As is frequently the case, Tobias and I grew apart over time and spoke only occasionally since high school. That’s alright. That’s the point of a friend like that. They allow you to grow and change into who you are, knowing that might mean growing and changing apart. A friendship based on staying the same is restrictive and shortsighted. A friendship based on encouraging and appreciating the growth of the other person is how we start the path to becoming, as Aristotle and other philosophers would put it, our “flourishing selves”.
It’s been difficult in the days between then and this writing. I can only imagine what it’s like for Tobias’s family. I don’t know how or if Tobias’s death will change the rest of my life. I know Tobias’s life helped me find who I was and who I could become. In situations like this, it’s easy to focus on the iconic people who turned you into who you are. It’s important to talk about the people who accepted you as you were and let you become whoever you wanted to be. People like my friend Tobias.
